Introducing: Rod Jockstrap!
Did you think Monster Exchange Program was only about blobs, robots and ogres? Well, you’ve got another thing comin’!
How to Win Friends and Influence People with your Interdimensional Powers will introduce you to Rod Jockstrap, the greatest man that ever lived.
Here’s a sample!
“Hut. Hut… HIKE!” The football snapped into Rod Jockstrap’s ready hands. The crowd rose to its feet, collectively sucking in a gasp.
This play would make all the difference. The clock read five seconds – no timeouts left. The team was down by five points at their own twenty yard line. Odds looked dim that they would win the Southeastern Mid-level Regional Quarter Finals.
Coyly smiling at the cheerleaders on the sidelines, Rod ran back nineteen yards. He liked a challenge. The first of the opposing team burst through the defensive line, barreling down on Rod’s upraised middle fingers. Calling the ball an asshole, Rod hurled it with all his might down field.
“Pussies,” he said as two burly oafs threw their shoulders into his guts and throat, pummeling him into the AstroTurf.
The ball spiraled a perfect arc towards… AN EMPTY END-ZONE! Just as it appeared that all was lost, the loud, awesome roar of a motorcycle ripped the shit out of every ear drum in the bleachers. Rod revved his engine twice more before letting off on the clutch, instantly popping a wheelie. His back tire flung grass and mud into the broken pile of tackles moaning in remorse.
Never again would they attempt a blitz on Rod Jockstrap’s beat.
The audience appreciated the show, but all thoughts were still on the football. Nightmares of losing on an incomplete pass flashed through their minds. But Rod still had the determined game winning look of indifference scrawled across his face. He yawned. With his other mouth he slammed a beer.
The center, Glumf, ripped his gaze from the falling ball just in time to see a sweet motorcycle bearing down on him. His tusks gouged long streaks in the field as Rod’s bike caromed off his tractor trailer shoulders. Rod Super Dave Osborned off the Ogre, exactly matching the flight pattern of the still hanging football. Glaring at the ball with disgust, Rod dared gravity itself to deny him this catch. Finally, one foot from the ground, Rod let out a sigh, begrudgingly moving his tentacles and nonchalantly grabbing the ball.
The motorcycle landed on its back wheel and left a ditch all the way to the visiting team’s sideline where the front wheel finally came down. Rod dropped his foot to the ground, reeling the motorcycle around it, spraying AstroTurf over the opposing coach, who was frozen solid with his jaw dropped below humanly possible levels in disbelief.
The stadium was dead silent. A second passed until Rod finally rolled his eyes and moaned, “whatever,” which was instantly followed by an enormous boom from the crowd of both sides of the stadium.
If you’d like to get started reading the Monster Exchange Program series, click here to check out issue 1: Blob Fits In.
- Jockstrap Santa (bearhunterfl.wordpress.com)