Skinny-dipping? Sure! …with MERMAIDS?!? I’d better rethink my answer!
Meet Gilbert: a spotty nerd that’s never had much luck with the ladies.
Now meet Arista: the sexy but aloof exchange student from Atlantis.
You wouldn’t think they’d ever hook up, would you? Well, maybe you should read Never Skinny-dip with Mermaids to find out how wrong you are.
Here’s an excerpt:
Although the first step was to make out with any girl what-so-ever, Gilbert’s ultimate goal was to make out with one of the mythical foreign exchange students at his school. The hottest such girl in his class was Arista, from Atlantis. But not only was she laughably out of Gilbert’s league, she was a known prude. None of the boys at school had ever gotten so much as a good night kiss from her, no matter how rich, how popular, or how good looking. And Gilbert was none of those things.
And, more than anything else, Arista was scary. She walked around the school with an air of general contempt for human kind, particularly the male kind. She had a kind of black widow reputation from her previous school. There were rumors of boyfriends disappearing mysteriously. Blind drunk frat boys coming home for winter break and never returning to their colleges next semester.
Gilbert didn’t believe these rumors. He was the butt of enough jokes to know not to trust the things he heard about other people. Still, there was no denying she was intimidating. None of the boys were brave enough to ask her out. They covered their fears by talking shit about her. In the locker room, she was known simply as “the sea-word.”
And while Gilbert knew there had to be more to her than her icy facade, she was especially intimidating to a five-foot-three, ninety-eight-pound, spotty, bespectacled king-of-the-geeks.
He sat alone at a table in the back of the cafeteria mulling over how best to climb his busty submarine Everest as he ate lunch.
His lunch was a PB&J. The J was sugar-free; he was diabetic. The PB was nonexistent; he had a peanut allergy. The bread contained no gluten. Three weeks in the hospital as a year-old baby had taught his parents not to let him anywhere near the stuff.
Between bites, he cracked open his lunchbox and peeked inside at the black and white illustrations. Gilbert knew to keep his “special” comics a secret. If Biff Beefpile or one of the other neolithic football players found them, he’d never hear the end of it. If any of the teachers found them, he’d probably have to go talk with Mr. Achtkopf, the counselor.
Gilbert’s comics were adult-oriented, Japanese manga. Real pervy, tentacle-sex sorta stuff. Gilbert had self pleasure down to a science. He knew that while human female body parts could do the trick in a pinch, it was only unearthly, nightmarish creatures that could really drive him wild. The impossible fusion of man and beast, particularly non-mammals, was, to Gilbert, the stuff wet dreams were made of.
Gilbert shut his lunchbox and imagined pawing at Arista’s half-human, half-fish form. While on dry land, she sported a pair of ridiculously long and ravishingly shapely legs. Gilbert preferred a fish tail. Although no-one had ever seen Arista in her mer-form, Gilbert was sure her tail would be just as exquisitely sexy as the rest of her. He would make sure she transformed before they got down to the really nasty business.
As he daydreamed, Gilbert snorted at the thought.
Mermaids! Such improbable creatures!
He would have a ton of questions for Arista about her biology.
Why were mermaid tails oriented horizontally? Fish tails were always oriented vertically. If their tails were really more like dolphins’ or whales’, why were they scaly and iridescent blue-green? They should be hairy and porous and match the flesh of her upper body, color-wise.
Oh well, Gilbert thought. These questions can all wait until…afterwards. That sounded creepy even in the privacy of his own mind.
As always, if you’d like to get started with the Monster Exchange Program series, you can pick up issue 1, Blob Fits In, by clicking here!
- Sea The Wackiness at the Mermaid Parade (bellasugar.com)