“COWER BEFORE MY-”
“Honey, honey. Take it easy. You’re shouting loud enough to wake the dead!”
“Oh, gosh. Tell your mother I’m sorry.”
“Hi, everyone. You may not remember us. We’re the Aesirs. Anna’s parents?”
“Aye, we were the first against the TYRANNY of the so-called principal. WHEN FIRST YE-”
“Sweetheart! Yelling! We had a small part in ‘Who’s been Pranking the Undead’. It was just bit part, really. Although I’m sure the entire school remembers us. What with my husband shaking the halls with his bellowing.”
“I can’t help it, woman! After raping and pillaging, shouting is my ninth favorite thing! I like it way better than counting! I know your gods quietly weigh your soul against a feather and la-de-dah! BUT ODIN DEMANDS SHOUTING! YEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!”
“Dear, you know I love your yelling. It’s what I first fell in love with. But right now, we’re here to remind the readers to go vote for our daughter for “Most Popular Character”.
“Right. Of course! And then a bit of shouting?”
“Of course, honey.”
Wait for panties to soak.
Man, that’s a great opening line. So awesome of me to think of it.
I’m Lance Majestic, all-around great guy. You’ve probably seen me walking the halls, campaigning for Class President. I’ll probably win it, no big deal, whatever.
You don’t get to be as handsome, cool and popular as me without making sure that everybody loves you.
This election’s in the bag.
Well, I better get back to making you aroused and/or jealous depending on your gender and sexual persuasion.
What do you mean, you head this all before? Who are you? Look, never mind.
Okay, I gotta get back to being great. Aaaaaand…. done!
Are you excited yet? Well, you’re welcome!
Good times brought to you by:
Doo doo-doo DOO!
By now, I’m sure you know I’m the most popular girl in school.
And if you don’t, get your head out from under that rock and read ‘Werewolf Stays True To Herself’!
So, I don’t need to sit around begging for you vote for “Favorite Character”. It’s in the bag for… Vanessa!
(Seriously though do vote for me I’ll just die if I don’t win like literally die)
I think everybody’s getting a little crazy about this popularity contest.
Look, I get it. I didn’t spend all summer buried in a vault under two million tons of sand to win second place in this election. But we all need to calm down a bit.
You know, if I learned one thing from my best friend, Christine, it’s that reputation isn’t everything. You have to… Oh, what’s she say about it?
Oh, that’s right. You have to stay true to yourself!
How could I have forgotten that one?
[Editor’s Note: We were unable to find anyone who speaks Sexylvanian, so Kate’s original essay is presented here untranslated.]
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Hi, Glumf heard you were-
Sorry I heard you were still undecided on who to vote for in the “Best Character” contest.
Well, may I humbly suggest Glumfself?
I knew that.
Man, languages are crazy! Ogrish just plays fast and loose with grammar. Comparatively, English is like a prison. I wonder how your poets cope?
I wonder if anybody in school would be interested in learning Ogrish?
After all, Louis is teaching… me English. I feel like I should be giving back to the community.
Maybe Miss Juniper could help me get an after-school club started…